Late Evening Snark: Down the Remaining Stretch Version
“Trump’s going again on the marketing campaign path and the passion is contagious! Oh, wait…that is not enthusiasm.”
“It is superb to look at a man have a near-death expertise and be taught nothing from it. Actually, Trump is now making an attempt to persuade People that covid really makes you stronger, and that it made him really feel higher than he did 20 years in the past. So he went from ‘covid is a hoax’ to ‘covid will disappear sooner or later like a miracle,’ and now he is like, ‘really, covid is the miracle and it was inside us all alongside.'”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“Dr. Sean Conley refused to reply reporters’ questions concerning the final time President Trump examined adverse for coronavirus and mentioned, ‘I do not need to go backwards.’ ‘Oh, I do!’ mentioned Supreme Court docket nominee Amy Coney Barrett.”
Clip of Trump in North Carolina: Any person got here up and mentioned, ‘You are essentially the most well-known particular person on this planet by far.’ I mentioned no I am not. He mentioned, ‘Who’s extra well-known?’ I mentioned Jesus Christ.
Jimmy Kimmel: Jesus Christ certainly, is what I’d say. Jesus healed the sick, he didn’t infect them with the coronavirus
—Jimmy Kimmel Dwell
“The Trump administration has created 1000’s of jobs, should you embrace each guardian who needed to grow to be a instructor in a single day.”
“The FBI says it thwarted a plot to violently overthrow the federal government and kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. What??? Did they imply take over the federal government of Michigan? I am unsure what that might do—endanger our AC Delco auto elements provide? Decrease America’s strategic reserves of fishing licenses?”
“Appears like Mike Pence has locked up the white suburban mortician vote.”
And now, our characteristic presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 16, 2020
Be aware: When discussing the problems of the day with Trump supporters, you may all the time generate goodwill should you continuously consult with them as “Buttercup” whereas dancing a conventional Alpine jig in a circle round them. Keep away from yodeling, although, as they’re simply startled. —Hugs, Heloise
By the Numbers:
Days ’til voting ends within the 2020 election: 18
Votes forged on Day 1 in Harris County, Texas (dwelling of Houston), each in-person and mail—a reasonably gargantuan quantity, many individuals are saying: 169,523
Variety of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who returned their absentee ballots in Maine as of Tuesday, in line with the Secretary of State’s workplace: 78,000 / 24,000
Remaining 2016 Trump-Clinton matchup numbers amongst seniors through the New York Instances common: 49%-44%
Trump-Biden matchup numbers amongst seniors this 12 months: 46%-51%
Quantity Mainers spent on marijuana in the course of the first official weekend of retail gross sales, producing $25,000 in tax income: $250,000
Anticipated mixed share of photo voltaic and wind in world vitality technology by 2030, up from 8% final 12 months, in line with the Worldwide Renewable Power Company: 30%
Pet Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
JEERS to a predictable present. The Senate Judiciary Committee hearings for the Federalist Society’s hand-picked Supreme Court docket nominee wrapped up yesterday, capping 4 days of political theater so boring and uneventful that you just’d be forgiven for pondering it was a metropolis council assembly to rezone the nook of Fundamental and Mulberry so the brand new Dairy Queen might transfer in. The nominee, Amy I. Cantcommentonthat, sat within the scorching seat with no notes and patiently took questions from each side. See should you can discover the refined variations between the 2 events’ strains of inquiry:
Republican Senator: Ma’am, ah ain’t nothin’ however a little bit ol’ nation lawyuh. However I’ve to ask: what’s that fragrance y’all’s wearin’? Why, it jogs my memory of the candy jasmine that used to tickle my snoot after I’s a boy catching crawdads down by the crick in Pawpatch County. It is terrible purty ma’am…..like yew.
Nominee: Why, Senator, are you flirting with me?
Republican Senator: Possibly I is, and perhaps I ain’t. H’yuck, h’yuck.
Democratic Senator: Choose Barrett, I’ve a query about…
Amy Coney Barrett: Screw you, demon rat. I’ve the votes.
Up subsequent: the nominee will get accredited in committee after which Lindsey Graham will get windburn speeding the paperwork over to the Senate flooring so it may be rammed by as a result of why ought to voters have a say on this choice mere days earlier than an election? Severely—you peasants are so demanding.
YAWN to shock assault FAIL. The Trump-Putin alliance had every part coordinated, choreographed, and timed to the second. The October surprises would come quick and livid, sending one torpedo after one other into the delicate hull of the S.S. Biden till it sank to the underside with out a hint. With 18 days left, let’s have a look at how that is understanding:
Obamagate “Unmasking” scandal: Dropped by Lawyer Normal Invoice Barr as a result of not even he might concoct convincing proof of wrongdoing.
Hunter Biden email scandal: Wednesday’s New York Put up “bombshell” was riddled with a lot bullshit that even Twitter and Fb prevented it from being unfold by the conspiracy-sphere. Putin’s largest disinformation fail in years.
Miracle covid vaccine by election day: Not occurring.
With their coffers empty (thanks, Brad Parscale) and polls sinking, all Trump has left are his dynamic closing messages: 1) “Vote for me or I will by no means go to your city once more” 2) “Suburban ladies, will you please like me?” and three) “Covid is a blessing from God that makes you’re feeling 20 years youthful.” Throw in “a hen in each pot” and, by god, I am offered.
CHEERS to women with grenades. Twenty-two years in the past at this time, the dedication of the Ladies In Navy Service Memorial started with a candlelight march beginning on the Lincoln Memorial and transferring throughout the Memorial Bridge to Arlington Nationwide Cemetery. It was well-received when it officially opened just a few days later…
The overwhelming majority of critics extremely lauded the Ladies in Navy Service for America Memorial.
The Atlanta Journal-Structure mentioned it “breaks new conceptual floor in paying tribute to U.S. army personnel, very similar to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial did in 1982.” Gail Russell Chaddock, writing for the Christian Science Monitor, mentioned it was nothing like every other memorial or monument within the metropolis, and singled out the computerized database of girls veterans as its best energy.
Benjamin Forgey of The Washington Put up referred to as it a “resounding success” that “enhances an already splendid setting in quite a few methods”. Its best energy, he mentioned, was the best way wherein it was “insistently respectful” of the [existing 1932] Hemicycle and Arlington Nationwide Cemetery. He additionally singled out the “severe,” “uncomplicated and unostentatious” interiors. His prolonged overview concluded that the memorial was “a superb, delicate design” and “a memorable public place.”
The memorial is devoted to ladies who serve within the Armed Forces in instances of struggle. But in addition in instances of peace, if on the off probability we’re fortunate sufficient to ever have any extra of these once more.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. On this date in 532, Boniface II ended his reign as Catholic Pope, having lastly saved sufficient cash as a part-time farmhand to step down and blow this city to pursue his dream as a Fosse dancer on Broadway. No, wait, wait, wait. Sorry—on this date in 532 he really died. That’s the final time I belief my historical past analysis to Footlooseipedia.
CHEERS to dwelling vegetation. Tremendous nice information! Yesterday we went right down to Woolworth and examined all our TV tubes within the tube testing machine (by the lunch counter subsequent to the blood strain cuff machine), they usually’re all in nice form for weekend TV viewing. Sizzling rattling!
It begins the same old method, with Pleasure Reid, Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow sifting by the Friday information dump, adopted at 10 by a commercial-free displaying of the new documentary The Way I See It, which chronicles photographer Pete Souza’s work for the Reagan and Obama administrations in addition to his transfer towards political activism in the course of the Trump years. At 11 on The Graham Norton Present (BBC America), Ewan McGregor talks about his return to the function of Obi-Wan Kenobi in an upcoming TV sequence. (If it is pretty much as good as The Mandalorian, I will forgive Disney for The Rise of Skywalker.)
The most well-liked dwelling movies, new and outdated, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Aaron Sorkin’s The Trial of the Chicago 7, now streaming on Netflix, is getting boffo evaluations.) The NFL schedule is here and the baseball playoff schedule is here. Issa Rae hosts SNL, with musical visitor Justin Bieber. On 60 Minutes: Putin’s prime rival Alexey Navalny offers his first American interview since he was poisoned. Digital-school instructor snafus are featured Sunday night time on America’s Funniest Residence Movies (ABC), whereas on Fox The Simpsons host their annual Treehouse of Horror—quantity XXXI this 12 months (and one of many segments consists of “a daunting take a look at the 2020 election”). And at 11 John Oliver primal screams with pinky prolonged on a brand new version of HBO’s Final Week Tonight.
Now here is your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); HHS Secretary Alex Azar; CIDRAP head Michael Osterholm;
This Week: Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and I hope she goes off on George Stephapopalopamouse like she did on Wolf Blitzer; The primary RNC chair to contract a lethal virus Ronna Mitt Romney’s Niece; and DFA CEO Yvette Simpson; Chris Christie talks concerning the dumbfuck method he bought covid and virtually died like a canine.
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE); Gov. JB Pritzker (D-IL); Fareed Zakaria hawks a e-book.
Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Pete Buttigieg; Captain of the Titanic…er, Trump marketing campaign Jason Miller.
Ten years in the past in C&J: October 16, 2010
JEERS to mentioning a sore topic. A brand new interview with lawyer Harry Whittington—Dick Cheney’s capturing sufferer—is up. What occurred was: Cheney drank a beer up. Then he bought camo’d up. Then a automotive picked him up. Then he arrived the place the chicken hunt was arrange. Moments later a chicken flew up. Cheney seemed up. Cheney fucked up. Whittington bought all shot up.
His face and insides, worse than we ever knew, bought tore up. Cheney lined it up. The press bought wind of it and the jig was up. With tweezers medical doctors rigorously picked practically 200 items of birdshot up (33 items stay, which mild airport steel detectors up). Ultimately Whittington healed up. However when it got here to an apology, Cheney simply couldn’t man up. And I simply realized one thing: interested by Deadeye Dick nonetheless makes me wanna throw up.
And only one extra…
CHEERS to battling to a again beat. Cannot let at this time go by with out wanting again eight years to the night time Mitt Romney bought pummeled by each President Obama and his personal clumsy self. Who can neglect “binders full of girls,” “Please proceed, Governor” and “Are you able to say that a little bit louder, Sweet?” With final night time’s city halls contemporary in our collective consciousness (Biden, on one channel, clobbered Trump, who was on three channels, in the ratings), get pleasure from this one from 2012 that even George Will referred to as “immeasurably one of the best debate in 50 years”…songified:
Remaining electoral-vote tally when the mud cleared on November sixth: 332 to 206. Mentioned Joe Biden eight years later: “Maintain my beer.”
Have an excellent weekend. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at this time?